Laker Notes

Amy ChenDue to recent and not-so-recent events — football field controversy, Common Core State Standards, proposed changes to school schedules, and so on — my vision of our schools has rapidly deteriorated. The Lake Oswego School District is no longer a shining city on a hill. Was it all just a dream? This year, after hearing many proposed changes to the school system, I decided to investigate — to find out where my beloved educational institution had gone awry — and discovered many more problems that need to be solved:

Teachers are not on track

Problem: Our schools’ biggest problem, by far, is how poorly our teachers follow other school’s curriculums. We rank high on the U.S. News Report-, an obvious indication that our teachers are far off of the correct educational path. We need to start training our students to simply meet expectations on state testing instead of exceeding them.

Solution: To make sure our teachers do the bare minimum, we should shorten classes to allow for more meetings. In these meetings, teachers must explain, in great detail, how each day’s lesson plan covers the Common Core. This will help our cause by both shortening class periods, keeping teachers from teaching more than is necessary, and by making teachers lose faith in humanity, their love of teaching, and, thus, their willingness to teach students any more than necessary. Typical lesson plans include short lectures followed by teachers excusing themselves in tears to the teachers’ lounge and “work time” for students.

Lakeridge and Lake Oswego

High School are not identical

Problem: While most people are focusing on how Lake Oswego High School’s football student section has a cover over it and Lakeridge’s does not, we need to look at the big picture. Not only do our schools have the problem of having different football fields; they also have the problem of having different students, teachers and main buildings.

Solution: We should demolish Lakeridge and, in its place, create a replica of Lake Oswego High School. Current Lakeridge students and teachers will either need to be replaced by clones of LOHS students and teachers or undergo serious plastic surgery and mental training. This project will come out of the funding otherwise used to make all LOSD schools safe and keep student-teacher ratios reasonable, because there is surprisingly not enough community support to back the multi-trillion dollar project through donations. Some residents, however, find the trade-off reasonable. As one anonymous source stated, “this project is very, very important. How can we worry about class sizes and safety when students are getting wet at football games? How can Lakeridge students focus with the knowledge that the school across the lake is different from theirs?”

There is no way of determining

whether or not students are learning

Problem: Most teachers are in it entirely for the money and cannot be trusted to be teaching students anything at all. Some teachers aren’t even teaching basic arithmetic through the most convoluted methods possible — the whole basis of the Common Core. To give the appearance of competence, they either fake entire gradebooks — occasionally giving random students failing grades to ease suspicion — or “accidentally” write the answers to tests on the whiteboard during testing periods.

Solution: Although we already have Common Core, I suggest we take it a step further —Common Core Plus — a series of daily standardized tests. By pulling students out of class every day, we can get an even better understanding of how much students are learning in class. Teachers have complained, claiming that they need class time to teach students. While these claims are dubious, they are being resolved by extending the school day to six in the evening and doubling class sizes to support the costs. Additional costs will be fulfilled through the selling of classroom furniture and the firing of bus drivers, who will be replaced by students in driver’s ed.

Amy Chen is a senior at Lake Oswego High School, and she writes a monthly column for the Review. She can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

Contract Publishing

Go to top
Template by JoomlaShine