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  • 30 Sep 2014

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Mark & Dave: Gold-embossed toilet paper makes wiping a rich experience

Portland Public Schools has approved plans to move the first day of school to the week before Labor Day — killing traditional end-of-summer family vacations. Like most parents, we ask, “Can’t they just call those in-service days?”

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Another sign the recession is over: gold-embossed toilet paper, monogrammed in 24-carat-gold motifs for $200 per roll. If this catches on, there may be a new gold rush in the sewers of Lake Oswego.

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It’s the new rage, man-gagement rings now that Johnny Depp is sporting one. It’s a man’s engagement ring. If she wears one, why not him? Reportedly, 5 percent of men are now sporting the rings to show off their status. After the wedding, they can put it in the jar with all their other jewels.

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Climate change. What the United Nations said: It will affect each and every one of us in a profound way, threatening our way of life. What we heard: blah blah blah ... until the U.N. added that climate change will affect the delicate worldwide supply of coffee. OK, now you have our attention. The shortages could be so severe that one day only the rich will be able to afford a cup of joe. Oh, wait, just saw the Starbucks menu, it’s happening now.

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Anything is possible in Vegas, including a legal way to join the Mile High Club. The Love Cloud service takes you and a guest (they don’t care who — what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas) up in a Cessna 421 Golden Eagle outfitted romantically with a foam mattress and heart-shaped pillows. The cost is $800 for a 40-minute round-trip. So what will people do with the other 30 minutes?

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Another new attraction in Las Vegas is the High Roller. It’s billed as the world’s tallest Ferris wheel, at 550 feet. Instead of sitting on bench going ‘round and ‘round, you shell out $24.99 to $59.99 to stand in a pod (think Portland Tram) with 39 other people and take in the spectacular view — the view of what your lost wages built.

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The new Quantum DVR boasts it can record 12 different channels at once. If you need to record 12 shows at any one hour of the day, you need an intervention.

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Too much of a good thing? There’s a new report that says too much running is linked to shorter lifespans. (Music to a couch potato’s ears.) Mark’s doctor told him running would add years to his life. He was right, Mark feels 10 years older.

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An Irish terrorist’s car bomb literally blew up in his face when he forgot to set the explosive device’s clock an hour ahead for daylight-saving time. It exploded an hour early, in his hands. Must be what they meant when doctors said daylight savings can be hazardous to your health.

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The Arizona Diamondbacks say the new 18-inch corn dog is so popular they have run out. The “D-Bat Dog” comes stuffed with bacon, jalapenos, and cheese and costs a whopping $25 — the same as a co-pay to see your cardiologist.

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The White House says more than 7 million people have signed up for health care under the Affordable Care Act. Many waited years to find affordable health care. It will probably take that long to see a doctor.

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The Portland Bureau of Transportation is considering a new $8 to $12 monthly “street fee” to pay for road and safety improvements and extended bus service to low-income neighborhoods. The word “fee” has replaced the word “tax” in city lingo. But $96 to $144 a year for something people feel they already pay for? We think Portlanders will appreciate the nice roads when they drive their U-Haul out of town.

Listen to Mark & Dave from 3 to 6 p.m. weekdays on AM 860 KPAM. Like them on Facebook at www.facebook.com/themarkanddaveshow.