DIET: aka 'Did I Eat That?'
How many diets have you been on? Come on, level with me. Three? Six? Nine? You can't remember? If you've never been on one, oh you broccoli-eating bit of humanity, well good for you. But I hate you, and expect all the rest of us to hate you, too. Sorry, but I think we lost our sense of humor around diet No. 6.
Back at the beginning of the New Year, I made a resolution I have made many times in the past. I WILL lose weight. I will! I will! I will! The problem is that I am always quite determined when I make these resolutions and then something happens to my resolve — my backbone, as it were. Instead of a strong, determined no-nonsense back, I seem to develop curvature of the spine, no doubt from my stomach sagging and pulling it out of whack.
Here is a partial list of the diets I and my fellow sufferers have tried: In the beginning, there was PRISM. This was a church-based diet and revolved around using religion as a foundation for taking care of your body (think "my body is an altar"). I mean if you believe God made you, then you had better take care of His creation, right? If I remember correctly, the name PRISM represents a spiritual lens through which you can see successful fulfillment. But as far as I'm concerned, it actually stood for "Praying Really Isn't Sating Me." And so I continued looking.
Next up was The Metabolic Research Center. Every time you visited, you got to pee on a tiny piece of paper to see if your body was in a state of what is known as Ketosis. If the paper turned the right color, then you were in the correct state and actually burning fat.
After that came the Positive Changes Hypnosis Center, which was by far the most interesting of all the plans. And while I did manage to lose some weight, I mostly relaxed in those wonderful chairs of theirs and allowed myself to be lulled into a diet-friendly hypnotic state. Since then, I have been in and out of Weight Watchers, with varying results and have read numerous diet books.
So, you might ask, why is this such a struggle? Why am I, or for that matter we, as a nation, overweight to begin with? Consider for a moment that "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts," and you probably have your answer. I, for one, simply want to weigh what it says on my driver's license, which I got years ago and on which I lied, even then. I'm afraid now that if I step on a scale it might say "to be continued." Or I worry that if I put on a yellow raincoat, someone might yell "Taxi!".
Okay, so I'm not quite that bad, but some days it feels like it. I figure I've got a good 20 pounds to shed, and it isn't going to be fun. As to what diet I will go with this time? It's called the "STOP-EATING-EVERYTHING-IN-SIGHT-DIET" and it is backed up by solid scientific data.